Withdraw: Safe Here Part 2
Read Time: 6 mins
“But despite Jesus’ instructions, the report of his power spread even faster, and vast crowds came to hear him preach and to be healed of their diseases. But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer.”
Luke 5:15-16 NLT
For Women Only and For Men Only by Jeff and Shuanti Feldhahn are books I'd recommend for anyone trying to grow in their understanding of and relationships with those of the opposite sex. Through some of the largest surveys done on these subjects, Jeff and Shuanti describe some of the most common differences in desire, communication, mindset and application between men and women and one thing they noticed in particular caught my attention. In their nationally representative surveys they found that men and women often desire others to relate to them differently. In surveys of over sixteen hundred men, 74% would rather be considered alone and unloved than the 26% who chose to be considered inadequate and disrespected. They’d rather be alone and uncared for than disrespected and unvalued. To push the thought even more, they realized that many men had trouble with this question in the first place. Feldhahn continues, “They did not feel the choices were different… A man equates the two. If he feels disrespected, he is going to feel unloved. And what this translates to is this: if you want to love your man in a way he needs to be loved, then you need to ensure that he feels your respect most of all.” Men want to be respected, believed in and valued. Men want to be good enough and this sometimes leads to the toxic grind cultures we see promoting unbalanced views of work ethic and self worth.
I remember a comedian doing a bit on the idea that women, children and dogs are the only groups that are loved unconditionally. And that men are only valued, respected and loved on the condition that they provide something. He went on to say that his grandmother once told him “a broke man is like a broke hand, you can't do nothing with it.” Men are judged on their ability to produce and have their lives together and often feel like they must prove that they have a reason to exist or be loved. And this idea really affects how men specifically relate to God. Growing up, I've always had an underlying idea that I must earn my ability to be respected or valued and then if I stop fighting for it I will lose it. On the flip side, if I don’t feel valued and safe to be myself, it is hard for me to allow myself to be open to something. Men crave the feeling of being valued and respected for who they are, and safe enough to be honest and move forward. This is also a problem in our churches. Many men don’t connect to Christianity because they feel they aren’t valued or have to bring something they don’t have to the table to be accepted. This is why the only men in church are often the position holding leaders. There’s a tension between needing a purpose but also being judged by your ability to produce and it makes closeness hard. No matter how much I read and preach that Jesus loves you, values you and creates rest for you regardless of you, it's hard for me to live like it. It’s hard to open up and be intimate because showing your weakness is often unsafe. But this isn't just a man thing. Many of us believe we need to bring something to the table before going to God. It’s easy to feel like you aren’t welcomed in the presence of God if you didn’t do something to earn it. If you don’t have your life together you feel like you aren’t allowed and if you don’t feel loved, valued and safe in your present reality, you don’t wanna subject yourself to an intimacy that isn’t safe. We feel we need to accomplish something or prove our place with God before we can be with Him, and even then we would never dare actually be vulnerable with Him for fear of God realizing we really dont have it all together.
My devotional life has honestly been hard. It’s hard to actually sit and spend time with God because I can't help but feel like I have to produce something. It's hard to stop and allow God to pour into me when I feel I am graded on my ability to pour into others or do the right thing. It's hard to make sure I'm eating when I'm focused on cooking for others. It’s hard to put my phone down in the morning so that I can have my needed time to rest in solitude with God because I feel like others will think I’m lazy or unworthy of respect if I'm not producing. There’s an unrealistic fear that eyes are on me at all times, questioning if I'm worthy of respect, and it causes me to neglect real rest.
But we see a different response from Jesus. The Bible says He often withdrew. He made it a point to get alone with His father and be emotionally naked and honest. He allowed Himself to break down in the presence of the Master Builder so He could be built back up. More people and acclaim were coming His way and instead of taking the time to prove Himself and work to be deserving of the influence He had, He paused and hid with His father. Instead of grinding and ramping up His schedule, Jesus regularly paused and rested in solitude with His father. Jesus was confident enough in His identity with God and God's unconditional claim on His life that He didn't consider a vulnerable time of rest with His father a liability.
Resting with God takes real faith because it is turning your back on the societal pressure to produce. Some of my best moments have been taking a day to get off my phone and go outside to read and talk to God with no pressure to write a devotional, song or sermon. But I neglect these moments because I either feel like I have to earn it before going, or I have to produce something from my going. I feel like if someone asks how my day was or how my time with God was and I don't have a sermonette to share with them I failed. But God was never looking for that. He was looking to be with us and intimate. Your time with friends is never graded by productivity or how much you have your life together before coming into your friends presence. So if the Creator of the universe called you and loved you before you could earn it and called you a friend, why are you hiding now?
I want to challenge you with the idea that God wants to genuinely rest with you. God loved you before you were created and isn't judging or grading you based on how you come to Him. God values you without you proving that you have something to bring to the table. You can rest. And get this, from that rest births more fruit and production than you could achieve on your own anyway. Freedom to admit where you’re at gives you the freedom to move forward into better. You can get away. Solitude is needed. Sabbaticals are needed. Make sure you are connected to your source, not just because you want to connect others but because you need it for you. God wants to spend time with you without it being a check marked item on your daily list to appear like a good Christian. There is no rubric or requirement to being with God. He values you for you.
It’s been easy for me to use God as a means to an end instead of the end in itself. It’s easy for me to stop my alone time to write a banger devotional for someone else instead of staying in silence with God to make sure I am fed. It’s easy for me to mistakenly study topics and pray for revelation for others instead of sitting and asking what I need from God for me and my growth. What's interesting is that abandoning the need to produce and going to God for you actually results in you having more to pour and give to others than you would if you went to God with the intention of gaining so you could pour. This is the foundation that is strong enough to build a beautiful life. Being with God for you will result in a better medical career than going to Him only when you need help on a test. Going to God without pressure and checklists and humbly allowing Him to grow and ground you will result in a better relationship than only using Him as a last ditch effort to fix what you already broke. We need rest. That’s why God commands us to cease and sabbath. That’s why He commands us to come if we are weary and heavy laden. I know you have pressure. I know you have expectations. I know you have a high standard for yourself but I challenge you to make it a habit for you to withdraw to be with God. You may need a real vacation without your phone. You may need a real time every week to rest your mind and let go of stress. You may need to be intentional about sitting with God in peace before you check your phone or emails in the morning. We have to be serious about charging us before anything else.
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Safe Here spontaneous worship moment at ROAR with Natrickie Louissaint.
