Ask For Help
Read Time: 7 mins
For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers. Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. Surely you need guidance to wage war, and victory is won through many advisers.
Proverbs 11:14;15:22;24;6
I went to a therapist in college and hated it. To be honest, I worked up the courage to go to one session and never scheduled another one. I'm used to being the one doing the counseling, and someone else asking for me to explain my emotional state was uncomfortable.
Yet, as I read a plethora of self-help books and bible studies, enabled habit formation programs and baby step plans, and tried to develop actions conducive to the type of man I desired to be, it has been painfully obvious that one aspect is lacking and that factor has held me back from the growth I desire. The factor holding me back is my fear of asking for help.
God doesn’t want us to live in an isolated silo. We should have a trusted community tasked with coaching us in aspects of health, wealth, relationships, and spirituality. It’s uncomfortable but enabling a community is the key to growth. I’ve experienced many failures because I wasn’t courageous enough to speak up, reach out, and boldly communicate my feelings and needs and I bet you have too. My fear of invasive questions, vulnerable answers, sobering truths, and dropped facades is the main thing standing in the way of many of my goals.
I've been able to work through a lot with my own self-work and study. But I've also seen how much I've missed out on, been held back from, or fallen into because I've had trouble being humble and vulnerable enough to ask for help. No matter how gifted, educated, or determined you are, going down unfamiliar paths of growth and progression without the perspective of a few trusted advisors who can see angles you may not be able to will result in wasted time, wasted resources, and pain that could have been avoided. God did not create man to be alone. The healthy friction created with a trusted community is God ordained for us to thrive. While this is still something I struggle with, I have some concepts for us to consider that may be able to help us in our use of God-ordained trusted advisors.
It's ok to be wrong.
Many people, especially men, struggle with going to doctors. Sometimes we fear coming face to face with problems we aren't strong enough to fight on our own, so we avoid the situations that could bring light to them. We opt instead to lie to ourselves about the issues while trying to self-medicate in the privacy of our own experience. It's a fear of weakness.
Many of us have such hard exteriors of supposed perfection that we are dying on the inside and don’t even know it. Many of us have trouble reaching out or admitting that we need help because an admission of lack feels unsafe. I failed a good amount of classes in college because I felt was too afraid to go to the teacher and ask them to slow down and help me get clarity.
Maybe we don't actually trust the doctor(s) in our lives to help us more than they hurt us. We don't like admitting that we’re wrong because when our identity is tied to what we do or know, admitting that we don't know everything or do everything right feels like signing up for self-mutilation. We have to grow to a point where our identity isn't so tied to our self-image and the opinions of others that we shackle ourselves to mediocrity and failure as a way to hide the fact that we have room to grow. Our fear of being regular is what keeps us regular. Your fear of admitting that you can grow is keeping you from growing.
It's ok to admit you don't have it all together. You are safe. You won't be thrown away or forgotten. You won't be cast aside and left for dead. God firstly is a trusted counselor. And He will recommend other trusted counselors who can see the real you and still love you as He does.
You cannot improve what you cannot acknowledge needs to be adjusted. Leland Val Van De Wall says, “The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away.”
It's ok to not trust.
I'm not saying to trust everyone. God will put people in your life whose lives you respect. Don’t be misled into being vulnerable with everyone. Everyone is not poised to handle you. Some people are too broken, dishonest, and perverted in their own lives to be trusted with yours, and that's ok. Some of these people will even be friends and family who have loved and supported you in the past or in other areas but are not capable of walking with you through specific situations in your current season. The Spirit will give discernment in who and how much you will open up.
This is why the principle of honor and honesty is important, especially as you grow and mature through shifting relationships. The Bible says that as you grow, you are called to leave your former family structure while clinging to your new one but then it also turns around and reminds you of the importance of honoring your family structure. As we grow and mature, many of us find ourselves on one extreme end of this relational spectrum. Some of us honor our past relationships without being honest about the current paths both parties are on, while others have no problem cutting off and running from their former support system but they miss out on the blessing God tells us comes from honoring those who brought us up.
Honor and honesty together look like affirming the love and humanity of our relationships while also acknowledging the lack in our current season of life. You can be real about every aspect of a person and how they fit into your current life path. You can be honest about their strengths without ignoring their weaknesses. You can be honest about their weaknesses without overlooking their strengths.
While we see this a lot in family and friends as you grow into adulthood, mature in your walk with Christ, progress into new levels of influence and responsibility, or build a new family and culture through marriage or parenting, this realism in relationships will be needed in almost every relationship. As your life grows and changes, your relationships will too. If your mechanic is great with cars but terrible with money, it's okay to take heed to car advice but politely ignore financial advice. It’s ok to love from a distance when people have proven they cannot safely handle intimacy with you.
You don't have to throw away the entire relationship or ignore the toxic traits of a person. You can appreciate someone's love for you but politely disengage from their bad health advice. You can love someone kindly and respectfully without respecting their view of marriage or women. You can give honor without trusting them with financial details or trusting their fiscal practices. You can love someone without fully trusting them. You can set honest boundaries while giving honor to their humanity. Finding our identity outside of others' opinions is very important in this process because without it we will not be able to determine the true boundaries that allow us to thrive as we grow.
It's ok to reach out.
Another thing I want you to recognize is that when you do trust and feel called to counsel from or a relationship with someone, it is ok to reach out. I am a pastor’s kid and my dad happens to be a pretty good pastor at that. My dad isn't just a good pastor, a lot of my family and family friends are pastors, and they're pretty good at it too. Now, I see my dad as a dad more than a pastor and I see uncles and aunts more as uncles and aunts than pastors, leaders, administrators, etc. That being said, I have missed out on growth, and ran into avoidable problems because I’ll think to call my dad for regular father-son stuff but forget to call him before a board meeting. Now, my dad won’t always insert himself. He lets me make my own decisions and figure it out for myself, but he will be willing to help whenever invited. I just need to ask. This is how many people are. They won’t force themselves onto you but they will be willing if you are. Something I am trying to get better at is developing the impulse and boldness to reach out to the people God has put in my life to help advise. It’s hard but it’s needed.
I strongly believe that God has placed everything you need to walk out the call He has on your life in and around you. You just need to reach out and ask for it. You are only as much as six degrees of separation away from anyone in the world. There are people you're connected to right now who have walked the paths you want to walk, or can connect you to people who have. People can make your journey so much smoother if you just reach out.
Some of us aren’t ready.
Can I be honest? While we should have the boldness to reach out, there is an aspect of this equation that feel may need to be touched on. Some of us are reaching out to mentors but don’t realize that we are the reason none of them are reaching back.
I remember talking to someone who felt that none of the perspective mentors they’d reach out to were very receptive, yet, they spent much of their time critiquing the family, friends, institutions, and systems related to the person they wanted to connect to. That’s like rooting against an NBA player, wearing their rival's jersey, cussing them out on the sideline, and then wondering why they don’t want to spend their time and resources signing autographs for you after the game.
Could it be that in the same way that we may not feel everyone is safe to be a mentor, perspective mentors don't feel like everyone is safe enough to be a mentee? Do you genuinely want a relationship and growth or are you reaching out for clout and a pat on the back? Do you want a life transformation from a close relationship or are you just nosey?
Have you proven that you’re worth the investment? The Bible cautions us not to throw pearls to the pigs. Don’t waste what’s valuable to those who don’t appreciate it. We have to recognize that the time and energy of the people we respect are valuable, and any self-respecting professional isn’t going to waste their pearls on unappreciative and unserious swine.
One way to build rapport before you have a relationship is to truly appreciate and invest time in learning their story. Pray for them before you meet them. In this era of social media, you aren’t that far from anyone. Read their books. Listen to their podcasts and interviews. Join their courses and coaching services. Make sure that you are committed enough to be seen as worth the investment of time, and as prospective advisors see themselves in your ambition, they will be more prone to pour in. Keep working and growing in humility and dedication.
Get to a place where you can actually appreciate what those ahead of you have to offer. Be at a point where you’d actually heed the advice and appreciate the correction. It takes dedication and maturity.
It’s ok to be accountable.
You have to be honest about the things you may or may not be doing that are inhibiting you from stepping into the positions you are designed for. You're the only person you can control and that's a good thing cause you are often the problem that is holding you back from your desires. Be bold enough to be honest. Be bold enough to take advice.
Go to pre-engagement counseling before popping the question and spending money on that ring. I can send you suggestions if you like. It’s better to pay for a marriage counselor now than a divorce lawyer later. Trusted advisors can bring clarity. But you have to be open to their critique and questions if you want their blessing and the reassurance that comes with it. Go to the doctor and follow their instruction. Go to therapy and talk about your traumas. Get a trainer in the gym. Invest and be open to accountability. I promise it’s worth it.
There are many blessings wrapped in community, trusted advisors, and mentors. I just want you to be open to what God wants you to receive through relationships. It may be therapy. It may be through a better relationship with your parents. It may come after bold and transparent conversations. It may be through asking God to send the community you need. Be ready when it comes.
Your blessing may be on the other side of the loving rebuke you've been running from. Your advancement is on the other side of accountability. Your freedom will come after honesty. Turning to what's right for you often only happens when you trust people enough to point out what may be wrong.
Ask God to build a community around you that isn't full of “yes men” but is full of people who love you enough to call you to a higher standard. Ask God to give you the boldness to be humble and recognize how you can repent and move forward. Ask God to build your security in Him so that you may be able to admit shortcomings and missteps, and I believe you will step into a fuller expression of your God-given identity. Don't run from advisors. Ask for help.
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