Friends… Well It Depends…
Read Time: 6 mins
Meanwhile, Sisera ran to the tent of Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite, because Heber’s family was on friendly terms with King Jabin of Hazor. Jael went out to meet Sisera and said to him, “Come into my tent, sir. Come in. Don’t be afraid.” So he went into her tent, and she covered him with a blanket. “Please give me some water,” he said. “I’m thirsty.” So she gave him some milk from a leather bag and covered him again. “Stand at the door of the tent,” he told her. “If anybody comes and asks you if there is anyone here, say no.” But when Sisera fell asleep from exhaustion, Jael quietly crept up to him with a hammer and tent peg in her hand. Then she drove the tent peg through his temple and into the ground, and so he died.
Judges 4:17-21 NLT
Rapper, Jack Harlow has a song entitled Gang Gang Gang in which he touches on a very pressing yet sensitive topic: friends. He uses a satirical skit to critique those who use the “bro code” and other mindsets on loyalty as their rationale for ignoring, defending, and even denying the abusive behavior their friends engage in. With captivating storytelling and imagery, Harlow paints the picture of his friend pulling him aside after he comes back home for the holidays and updating him on some concerning news. He is told that while he was away, an old friend with whom he grew up with received seven rape charges. Jack tries to deny it by recounting old memories and the past successes of his convicted friend. Jack hears of the evil actions of his friend and struggles with how to relate to someone who once was a close friend but has now taken a heinous path. The chorus eerily comes in as we hear the response that many take when they hear of news like this. “Ride for my dogs, lie for my dogs... Because its gang gang gang.”
Jack continues this pattern of heart-wrenching stories followed by denial, disbelief, and a chorus masked in shallow loyalty. Finally, in the last verse, Jack breaks the concerning rhetoric and confronts this idea of loyalty. He pushes the idea that while loyalty is important, there is a point where unconditional love becomes very conditional. There is a point where people we love will make decisions in their lives that will force us to make decisions concerning our connection. There is a point where we may have to stand against the actions of our loved ones. This is expected in our lives. There will be a point when loved ones seem to bring conflict you never imagined facing.
Many of us agree that we must speak truth to power and fight for the oppressed. We believe that we should stand up for the truth and fight for what is right. We talk about the need to speak truth to power but often it's our friends who it is hardest to speak truth to. It’s our friends and family who are hardest to confront when they err. So instead of confronting our friends when they are on a negative path, we often ignore it. We see concerning trajectories and keep silent. We turn a blind eye to avoid conflict and deny when allegations are brought up. We hide behind “bro code” and poisonous loyalty for fear of discomfort. Martin Luther King Jr. pushed the idea that neutrality is actually siding with the oppressor.
In this story, Jael is good friends with Sisera. She and her husband Heber had moved near Kedesh and they had a great relationship with their neighbor Sisera. Sisera has been nothing but good to Jael and Heber, but for the past 20 years, he has been cruelly oppressing their people. I can't imagine the kidnaps, rapes, robberies, and murders this Canaanite commander had been a part of. Remember, this is Jael’s good friend. Sisera has been nothing but kind to Jael, but that doesn't mean it's still not her responsibility to speak up and fight against the oppression he has been causing others. When Sisera is at war with those he has oppressed, Jael doesn't side with her friend, the oppressor. She doesn't turn a blind eye. She drives a tent peg into the general who has been organizing this oppression. She takes a stand and confronts the person she had a deep relationship with.
Now I want to make sure I'm clear. We often lean towards extremes. I'm not telling you that you need to kill your friends. I doubt a tent peg will be of any use in your confrontations. But in this Christian journey, we will have disagreements, and I want you to not ignore them, but learn to prepare for and even prevent them. The first tip we need to learn is listening. The Bible says to be slow to speak and slow to get angry. You have two eyes and two ears but only one mouth for a reason. We are designed to listen and watch more than we speak. Stop talking so much and listen. Before you say amen, recognize that this message isn't for someone else, it's for you. You need to take responsibility in this and not expect the work to come from others. Your emotional maturity can be used to heal conflict before the other person is emotionally mature enough to do it themselves. You don't have to wait for them to make progress. Listen to understand and not to respond. Many of the conflicts you face could be avoided if you actively listened and asked non-accusatory questions. In marital counseling they will tell you to go into conflict with the assumption that you are on the same team and not against each other. Repeat back what you hear to make sure youre understanding the other person. Ask yourself if you are going into conflict with a standpoint of accusation rather than with a desire to seek understanding and offer your loved ones enough safety for repentance to even be possible? Are you approaching them in a way that will send them into fight mode?
There will be conflict and I am telling you that you are called to speak up, and it may not even be publicly. In Matthew 18, Jesus said to go to your brother one-on-one when they wrong you. Humbly, tactfully, kindly, and clearly bring up your issue, not seeking punishment but seeking repentance. The goal here isn't to hurt your friends or get back at them. It’s to win them back and love them into a higher standard of life. You dont want to hurt them, the goal is to heal them and give them a chance to repent and turn from their wicked ways. Often times you won't even have to get past this step. A humble friend will usually react well to a humble, gentle and tactful confrontation from someone they know loves them. This is what we see in the story of Nathan and David. David has assaulted Bathsheba and killed her husband. Nathan goes to his house when no one else is bold enough to speak truth to power and kindly and tactfully confronts his friend David about his wrongs. David immediately repents and turns from his wicked ways. This is the practice many of us need to work on. You aren't confronting from a place of retribution but rather repentance. Don't confront as an attack because it will make your friend defensive. Confront from love and your friend will often respond with acceptance.
Confrontation is easier when you've built a credit of trust. Psychologists tell us that conflict is easier when both parties have built a trusting relationship beforehand. Sometimes hard conversations are like taking water out of a bucket. If all you do is take, at some point you will scrape the bottom. But if you consistently fill, your withdrawals won't be as hurtful. Many times our critiques hurt more when we haven't given any compliments. Our friends can't take our rebuke because they haven't been able to trust the reliability of our love. You will go relationally bankrupt if you only make withdraws of hard conversations. Love your friend into repentance. That’s what God did for us.
If these steps don't work, the next phase isn't canceling. Remember, our goal is not to hurt but to heal. If our friends don't respond to one on one confrontations, Jesus tells us that we should bring one or two other friends with us. They may not be in a place to fully understand you but they may come to the light when another respected friend comes with you. Bringing another respected friend can show the person at fault that you aren't the only one who sees this issue. It can bring a new perspective and mediation to the growth you are inviting your friend on.
If these steps fail, Jesus tells us to bring it before the church. I want you to notice that he tells us to go to the church and not the court. In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul tells us not to sue other believers because secular courts won’t have the same values as us. This is big because at times there there can't be common ground because you aren’t standing on the same foundations. It's hard to judge when you don't have the same rulers. Some conflicts will last because you and your friend are standing on different code of ethics. Common ground can be found through common foundational principles. But this is also said because the world doesn’t have the same goal as us in this. The world wants repayment for wrongs but the Christian goal is reprentence. The goal isn't retribution, it's repentance. This is something we have to keep in mind. Our goal in this is not to hurt those who offended us but rather to heal them.
Christian friendship isn't based on blind loyalty, it’s based on a love so great that you will fight for your friends to have better. Jack in his song says “We hold accountable the ones we hold dear.” I don't want to get to a point where we have to stab people with tent pegs because the snakes we ignored have grown into dragons. I don’t know if Jael had this conversations earlier or was even in a place to. But I wonder if they could have gotten to a place where Siscera repented before causing this much damage. Have the hard conversations now so you don't have to deal with the harder situations later. Be honest with yourself and your friends. Real love is helping your friends avoid real problems by confronting them early.
I want to also approach this from the angle of personal responsibility. We talk a lot about relating to others but you know that the only person you can really control is yourself. Confronting your friends is uncomfortable. Don't learn to confront others while still allowing it to be hard for your friends to confront you. The Bible says that there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. Be humble and approachable enough for your friends to feel comfortable questioning your actions and decisions. It can protect you from a lot of mistakes and heartache. Don't point out the speck in your brother's eye when they aren't allowed to point out the log in yours. That's like throwing stones from a glass house. David was saved because he didn't fight Nathan when he was confronted. I wonder if Sisera could have been saved if he listened to counsel before taking this path of destruction. Don't just give advice, but be approachable and open enough to hear critique or challenge for yourself. It can save more than just your life.
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