Raise Your Standards
Read Time: 6 Mins
“Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?”
2 Corinthians 6:14-15 NLT
We should build our biblical understanding from the standpoint of “God is good, therefore…” God is the creator who wants the best for His creation, therefore we can trust what He says is best for us. He knows what we need and desire at the core and knows how to give it to us. From that vantage point, we can determine that even the instructions He gives that we don’t yet understand are for our ultimate good.
God crafted us in His image to be communal and loving beings. Loving community is what we’re built to desire and designed to function best in. Even before sin, God said it wasn’t good for mankind to be alone. However, that God-given desire for community, intimacy, love, and relationship often prompts us to jump the gun instead of building on the foundations that God said would work for our good.
In the name of loneliness, many of us settle for “anyone” instead of seeking and preparing for the “right one.” I had a friend at Oakwood who once told me that my standards for relationships were too high. And out of my loneliness and lack of patience, I started to wonder if they were right. Spoiler alert, they weren’t. It’s ok for you to desire what God desires for you. It’s ok for you to want someone who goes to church. It's ok for you to want someone who is focused on the same goals as you. If you are committed to living the life of peace and purpose that God has promised you, you need to only consider potential teammates who you know are playing the same sport.
Having a real submission to Jesus and a foundation in Biblical truth is a very important aspect of thriving relationships. This is more than saying you’re a Christian, you have to actually seek to follow Christ. Many of the issues I see in couples I’ve counseled stem from a lack of real relationship with and submission to God. When both parties are not submitted to God, there’s no real standard for the relationship. Truth becomes relative and goals become ambiguous when you don't have real conversations about the foundation and purpose of the relationship.
Gary Thomas has a book that I recommend called “Sacred Marriage”, which argues that the purpose of the God-ordained marriages we desire isn't to solely make us happy but rather to make us holy. And submitting to this sanctifying process and allowing God to use our marriage to make us more like Him is actually how we get the most joy out of it. Happiness is a byproduct that comes from submission to God's sanctification process. Marriage is intentionally designed to be hard, and if you don't understand that you will jump ship before you reap the benefits of the God-ordained process.
When you don't know your Creator and the higher purpose that marriage brings, nothing is motivating you to push through the storms that are sure to come. I'll always tell you that if they don't know the God who loves unconditionally, it will be hard for them to love you unconditionally. If you aren't committed to the growth process inherited by those walking with Jesus, willingly choosing the sacrifice, pain, and risk of marriage isn't really a smart decision.
This is why God attempts to protect us from pain by telling us not to be unequally yoked in relationships. This is why I'd push you to trust the Creator’s prescribed method to receive what you desire. Now I get it. I’ve heard people say that people with values don't exist anymore. Waiting for a caliber of person you don't see can get lonely. Especially after everyone tells you that you will get married in college but you graduate with no prospects. It can be disheartening and it seems like everyone else is happy. It can be discouraging, but don't lower your standard. Chloe and Halle have a song that many of us may sympathize with.
It says, “I know sometimes you feel all alone. I know sometimes you wait by your phone. I know you wish you had somebody to hold. But you don’t have to be lonely being alone.” They continue, “Who are you when no one's watching? You close the door to your apartment. Are you afraid of the silence? Are you afraid of what you’ll find in it?”
They present the idea that being alone doesn’t have to be a negative thing. It is actually an opportunity to focus on growing yourself and finding peace. I bring this up because many of us seek relationships as a way of masking the emptiness we feel in ourselves, instead of taking advantage of the opportunity that singleness is. We fill our lives with the love of others because we have trouble accepting ourselves. And this lack of self-awareness and growth is what I believe is actually hindering us from having real relationships. I believe God hides us from trusted quality candidates until we ourselves are a trusted quality candidate. We spend a lot of time pointing fingers at what men or women in society need to do better but when was the last time we looked at ourselves and determined what we could work on? Let me explain it from another angle.
So in high school, I was really good at cross-country running. My best time sophomore year was 16 mins and 16 seconds for a 5k (3.1 miles). While my school didn’t compete in the state championship, my times would have either won or placed in the top 10 for each championship division in Tennessee. I tell you that to say that I wasn't really running for fun, I was serious, I was running to win.
The issue would come when my friends who weren’t as serious asked me to casually run with them or let them join me in my workouts. Now I like people and never wanna miss out on jokes and conversation, but I realized that running with someone who doesn’t have the same standards is more than a waste of time. Partnering with someone who doesn’t have the same intention, goals or focus isn't just uncomfortable, it can actually mess up what you have been building. Running with unserious people can impact your performance. Those unequal relationships led to me avoiding partnerships with people whose standards weren’t the same. While I was thinking about the win, they were just thinking about the run. The dedicated and intentional people we are attracted to don’t wanna slow themselves down to unite with us because we aren't as focused or intentional.
While the people who have the discipline and intentionality to climb the mountain are seen and celebrated by those at the base of the mountain, those who haven’t started climbing are not typically on the minds of those who are on the summit. Focused people only notice and respect the other focused people. Dedicated people only open up to other dedicated people. Let me say it even more plainly. The guy you want who cares about the church isn't going to take a real interest in the girl who doesn’t go to church. The girl who is disciplined in her finances isn't typically attracted to the guy who isn’t disciplined in his finances. Sometimes potential relationships are unequally yoked because we are the weak link.
This is a call to raise your standards but not be unrealistic. If you want a high-quality partner, you must also be a high-quality partner. If you make the decision that you will only unite yourself with someone who has a strong foundation, you must also have a strong foundation. So many of us have high standards for others but not ourselves. You want a girl who isn't for the streets but you sleep with everything that moves? You want a man of integrity but you and your friends only get together to talk about people? Be self-aware and humble enough to determine what you can work on. Be open enough to determine where you need to tighten up in your walk.
Before you can make the determination that you want a relationship with someone with values, you have to determine what yours are. So many people run into issues in partnership because they have no idea who they are or what they stand for. How serious are you about God? What type of family do you see yourself having? Are you serious about the sacrifice and service needed for a good marriage? You have to be honest about what your goal is before you seek a partner. Be clear about the sport before you pick a teammate.
If you want a woman who respects you, you must be trustworthy and consistent enough to love her when she doesn’t deserve it. If you want a man who loves you, you need to be humble enough to affirm and value him when he doesn’t deserve it (Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a great book to dive into this cyclical concept). Be the type of person you would date.
This isn’t just a call to raise your standards for who you date; it's a call to raise your standards for yourself. God has a standard for you. And I want you to know that if the Creator is good, the best practices He reveals to His creation are for their best. Trust Him so that He can lead you to avoid unnecessary hurts and live the best life possible.
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