Trust Him to Search // Goodbye Fear: Part 3
Reading Time: 6 minutes
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
Psalm 139:23–24
Close your eyes and imagine this visual: there is a small weak looking guy obviously struggling to carry a heavy and irregularly-shaped object. Then, a bodybuilder offers to help, but the regular guy acts like there isn't a problem. While we all crave situations where we can be totally ourselves, it takes a lot to be intimate. While we crave situations where we are valued and seen for who we are, it’s hard to open up. We crave relationships where we can be safe, yet it’s hard to take down our masks and walls, knowing that we are risking being hurt by those we’re being vulnerable with. However, that's what we see David doing in this Psalm. David is not just telling God to know him but to search him. He isn't just allowing God in on the good or well-polished parts of himself, but opening up the dirty and the grimy ones.
Sometimes, it's even hard for me to just sit down and think about the broken or insecure parts of myself, let alone let others into them. It’s hard for me to both acknowledge my fears and allow others in because I'm afraid of what will be seen. I don't know how others will react. Would they give up on me if I showed weakness or incompetence? Would they throw me away if I didn't look as good as I looked before? On the other hand, I don't know how I’d react to my emotions. It’s been hard for me to be real about some of my dark feelings and emotions because I didn't know if I could handle them when they came out. I don't know if I would ever have enough time scheduled out to cry and actually allow myself to process.
Emotions are interesting. They’re so powerful that, when we put them off like the dust we sweep under the rug, it seems to accumulate into an even bigger problem. Yet, David has the confidence to ask God to search him. Crazy right? Not just that, David asks God to point out what’s wrong. It’s one thing to have insecurity, but it's a whole other world when you start acknowledging it. David is not just allowing, but inviting God into the house that is His life. He is allowing God to see the mess others may see as embarrassing and even point out areas he can grow in. How is David able to do this and how can we do the same? I think an answer is found in the passages before this.
“O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!”
Psalm 139:1-18
I want you to read this passage and read it again. And then when you think you got it, if you can, read it in a couple of other versions.
David is comfortable opening up the home of his mind to God because he realizes that God has already been there. I remember as a kid when close friends or family would come to our house, my mom would tell me to clean up. I would always question why I needed to clean because they already saw our house dirty and even sometimes would help clean up with us. Now, I don't want you to take this as advice for your next venture into hospitality but think about it. If God has already examined your heart, knows all of your thoughts, and still loves you, it's safe to say the dirt in you won't scare Him away. He already knows what’s there.
Like those church kids straining to carry 6 chairs at a time, that’s what we look like hiding our burdens from God. God saw you, every day, every mistake, every triumph, every failure, every hurt, every fear, every storm, and still chooses to unite with you. You can trust God with the innermost parts of you because He formed them. He sees every part of you and is just waiting for you to be honest about the parts of you He has already seen and accepted. God knows the insecurity. God knows the addiction. God knows the lust, pride, or fear. God knows the thoughts of worthlessness. God knows the doubt.
I'm a witness that God still loves you the same when you have no idea how you got to the places you’re embarrassed to talk about. God is still with you whether you're on the mountain or in the valley. You can turn back and fall into the arms that never closed on you. Admitting you're broken, weak, and full of doubt won't change how He thinks about you. Admitting is the first step to moving forward and healing. God wants the best for you. And that comes when you let Him examine your heart.
Pray today about your innermost parts. Spend some time in silence. No distractions. Just think about the hurting areas that you can let God into. You don’t have to carry the burdens you’ve been hiding from Him.
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