The Blessing of Disappointment
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. He gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals. But still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’”
Genesis 2:18-23
Disappointments are hard but what if told you that disappointments are not all failures? If we believe that we serve a God who will cause everything to work out for our good and whose thoughts and dreams for us are bigger and better than we could ever imagine, it would make sense to recognize that even our disappointments are allowed for a reason. I want us to change our perspective from seeing disappointments as failures. We can start to reimagine disappointments as road markers to show us that we are closer to our final destination.
I think this account of the first life partnership is interesting. Adam is just doing his job. God has called him to tend to the garden and warned him of some of the dangers that may be present. Adam is chilling. Adam doesn't even realize he needs a wife or even a friend. Adam makes no statements of need or want. Adam doesn't beg or peacock around trying to attain a partner. God actually looks through time, sees the purpose He has for Adam's life, and thinks it wise to give him a partner in purpose. But God in His infinite understanding, doesn't just present Eve to Adam. God holds back on the solution for this potential problem.
God recognizes the need and doesn't immediately solve it. The Bible says that when God decided to do something about Adam's situation, his first order of business was to bring animals to Adam. Adam doesn't even recognize his need for a partner until God starts to bring animals to him. God brings other situations and creations that are beautiful in their own right but not right for Adam. Adam sees how strong the gorilla is and how smart the octopus is. Adam recognizes how fast the cheetah is and how organized the ants are. He can recognize the promising traits they possess but all this show and tell of creation does it awaken Adam's desire for more.
You may wonder why God allowed you to go on 37 dates before finding your person. You may wonder why God allowed you to intern at so many different firms before finding what is right for you. You may question why God allowed you to try different majors at different schools before finding the one that stuck. And I'm here to remind you that nothing God allows or does is wasted. What God does for Adam is almost like God letting you date the whole school before finding the person you actually wanna be with. Sometimes we have to experience some of what’s not for us for our eyes to even be opened to what is. We have to experience some of what we don't desire in order to create the language for what we do.
As Adam saw the animals, I'm sure he was taking mental notes saying “I can't be with a bee, but I want to have that type of teamwork.” I'm sure Adam saw the lions and said, “I don't wanna live like them but I like their confidence.” Adam could have seen the birds and said “I can't communicate with them but I love how they communicate with each other.”
As you date, search for jobs, shop for friends, or even pick a major, career, school, or city to move to, don't allow what does not work to discourage you. Allow it to clarify what does work. Learn from the things that don't work so that you can be even more confident in picking what does.
Andre 3000 has a song called Prototype with lyrics that say, “I hope that you're the one, but if not you are the prototype.” What if we looked at our failures and the things that didn't work out as things we could build on in the future? You may have not wanted to date them long-term, but what did you like and not like? What can you build on and learn from? I believe our lives can be better with a mindset similar to that. Even when things don't work out, don't just throw away the experience. You can learn from failure. You can learn from what does not work. You can learn from disappointments. You don't have to settle. You can take what you can and move forward into the next phase of your life. Imagine seeing our past relationships for what they taught and showed us about ourselves and what we need and can work on instead of just throwing them away as a complete dumpster fire.
I find it interesting that God called Adam to name the animals. This may be a good exercise for us to try as we move through life. Don’t just go through life, filtering the things that didn’t work out. Name them and move forward. Figure out what you liked and didn’t like. Look back on what went wrong. Classify what lessons you learned from it. Don’t just be disappointed in the progress of moving through things that aren’t right for you. Step back and name those moments. Sometimes our efforts to forget the bad backfires in us for forfeiting the lesson. Determine what went wrong. Question what can be done better.
Not every failure is your fault but some require you to take responsibility. Be self-aware enough to determine what you could have done better. Don't just point fingers when the job or the relationship doesn't work out. Yes, sometimes they were the ones in the wrong, but oftentimes there are areas you could have grown in too. Be humble enough to recognize where you can improve. Maybe the selection process in your dating can improve. I'm not telling you to be closed off to what God may be trying to do based on your own superficial standards, but don't go to the opposite extreme of allowing things and people that are below you to connect with you. Maybe you can do better at guarding your heart. Maybe you can improve the way you view your identity in Christ because dating with the desire to get love is a lot different than dating from a place of already having it. Marrying from a place of desiring love is a lot different from being so filled, that you just can't help but pour. How can you grow from the things that don't work out?
The academic disappointments or professional disappointments aren't all everyone else's fault. Taking responsibility and moving forward may be what you need to do in order to learn from your disappointments. I want you to recognize that many of the successful people we see are successful because of their unique blend of experience in different fields. Moses’ first major wasn’t leading the Israelites, but God used the detour of shepherding to prepare him for the wilderness. Joseph’s stent as a servant prepared him to look out for the least of these when he became a leader. David worked in the palace before he lived in it. Even Jesus fixed chairs before He fixed hearts and built furniture before He built the kingdom. What may look like a delay in your ultimate goal may be preparation for it.
As you experience disappointment and things that don't seem to work out right, just know that you're just one step closer to your aha moment. Don’t stop moving. Don’t give up. Keep growing. Adam experienced a lot that wasn't right for him. Do you know how many animals there are? He spent that much time experiencing the discomfort of seeing all those animals with their friends as he further questioned if he would have a friend too. That’s a lot of disappointment. But when Adam sees Eve it's like he knows instantly. He responds with a huge “finally” and a sigh of relief. He is so excited beyond measure that he starts freestyling poetry. I promise God isn't done with your search until you receive what he wants to give you.
The animals aren't right for you. Please don't settle for a dog or a bird. But learn from the failures and hold on to the memory of what you don't want so you can respond with “at last” when God supplies your Eve. It’s coming. Just keep trusting and moving forward.
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