Apology Language
Read Time: 8 mins
Then Nathan said to David, “You are that man! The Lord, the God of Israel, says: I anointed you king of Israel and saved you from the power of Saul. I gave you your master’s house and his wives and the kingdoms of Israel and Judah. And if that had not been enough, I would have given you much, much more. Why, then, have you despised the word of the Lord and done this horrible deed? For you have murdered Uriah the Hittite with the sword of the Ammonites and stolen his wife. From this time on, your family will live by the sword because you have despised me by taking Uriah’s wife to be your own.” This is what the Lord says: “Because of what you have done, I will cause your own household to rebel against you. I will give your wives to another man before your very eyes, and he will go to bed with them in public view. You did it secretly, but I will make this happen to you openly in the sight of all Israel.” Then David confessed to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Nathan replied, “Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin.
2 Samuel 12:7-13
I believe it was Dr. Dharius Daniels who pointed out the idea that our biggest joys and weightiest pains often come from the same place. Our most significant triumphs and lingering traumas often share a common denominator and that consistent variable is people. Jonathan McReynolds said it like this, “they are the best and the worst [God] created… deliver me from people.” Love by nature opens the door to risk. This is why the people closest to us seem to hurt us the most. Relationships, whether romantic, platonic, occupational, situational, spiritual or physical, will have an impact on our lives, whether that be for better or worse. Relationships are something we can't run from so we must learn to steward them.
Notice now that I said we must learn to steward them. That is because we alone have the power to decide how we will engage. We have to learn to take responsibility and walk in the direction we desire for our lives. This is why I love asking older men in successful romantic relationships for tips. I always seem to get the same type of advice. A concept that I often hear emphasized is the necessity of learning to consistently and generously take responsibility for yourself and forgive others. You will hurt others and others will hurt you. But if you want to have successful relationships, you will have to learn how to forgive and apologize.
David greatly impresses me in this story. Obviously, I'm not impressed by his heinous act of forcing a married woman to sleep with him and then senselessly murdering his loyal friend to try to cover up his act of rebellion. I’m impressed by David's ability to take responsibility for his actions. I’m impressed by David’s ability to apologize.
We all would say it’s nice to have friends who can speak truth to power and correct us when we're wrong, but I don’t think many of us would react to this as well as David did. Nathan literally has the boldness and love necessary to walk into a king's chamber and accuse him of the murder, assault, and cover-up that David was trying to sweep under the rug. David could have him silenced or even killed but David accepts the rebuke and accepts the consequences. David wastes no time in acknowledging his fault and asking God for forgiveness.
What gave David the ability to take responsibility for his actions, accept the consequences, and then genuinely repent and move forward? And how can we grow in the same way so that we can learn to take responsibility for our actions and apologize when we're wrong?
Peter Scezerro in his book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality says, “Emotional health and spiritual health are inseparable. You cannot be spiritually mature while also being emotionally immature.” Why? I believe we can pull out two main reasons among others. One is because God isn’t always going to heal what you won't reveal. We can't sweep the negative parts under the rug because it ruins the cleaning process. It’s like God is asking us where to send the medicine and we are lying about our address. We have to be honest about our real lives if we are going to see real healing. The second reason is that our personal identity and earthly relationships directly correlate to how we view our identity in Christ and engage in our relationship with God. I believe studying David’s repentance can give us an answer to these questions and help us to move forward as emotionally and spiritually healthy adults. David shows a glimpse of the emotional and spiritual health that leads to his ability to accept, admit, and apologize.
You may have heard of Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages. He coined this idea that while we may love others, we have unique ways of communicating that love. Some may give or desire physical touch and words of affirmation while others may desire or give quality time, gifts or even acts of service. It’s important that we understand what we desire and what our loved ones desire because if you don't speak their language, no matter how much you love them it's like screaming in Russian to a Mandarin speaking Chinese man. You may mean well but they won't understand it. This is a phenomenal concept when it comes to relational health but there’s a sister concept that many of us don't pay attention to. That’s the concept of apology languages.
Apology languages are similar to love languages. We have different ways we desire to be apologized to when others wrong us. The apology languages are as follows:
Requesting Forgiveness. Some desire those who wronged them to request forgiveness. They want the power put back into their hands as they’re given the time and space to let go when they’re ready.
Genuine Repentance. Others require genuine repentance because words aren’t enough. They want assurance that the offending parties are working towards making a change.
Making Restitution. This language seeks to have the problem corrected or made up to them. If something is lost, or damaged, they want it replaced.
Expressing Regret. This language is found in those who want to feel validated in their emotions. This apology language is looking for the hurt they feel to be acklodged and for remorse to be shown.
Accepting Responsibility. This language doesn’t want to hear excuses. They want you to take ownership for the hurt you caused and not try to dodge it. It’s saying “I was wrong” and standing on it.
David expertly hits each pillar of apology in his repentive reaction. In Psalm 51, David admits that there is nothing he can do to make up for his sin, but moves in a direction of restitution and repentance by offering his contrite heart to God as a sacrifice and asking for God to cleanse him and create in him something new. David admits his regret and wrong doing as he asks God for forgiveness. David accepts the responsibility and the consequences that come with it. He doesn’t make excuses or try to push his errors out of the spotlight. He stands in it. And I believe this is possible because David understood the character of God and his identity in God. He could admit his failure because his failures wouldn’t cause God to abandon him.
This is why David is praised for being a man after God’s own heart. It wasn't because he was perfect. He was far from that. But I believe one of David’s spiritual gifts was honesty. He was honest about his position in this world. David recognized the truth of the gospel. He was honest enough about his sickness that He allowed God to offer healing, but wasn't so shameful that he thought being honest would lead to his condemnation. Many of us would rather lie to ourselves about not messing up than apologize because we think admitting to our faultiness will cause us to be abandoned. David knew that he was called, safe, and chosen by God regardless of his actions. He was loved unconditionally based on God’s merit and not his.
This is why understanding the gospel is so important. Some of us think that admitting our brokenness will cause God to throw us away or get us in trouble. This assumes that our belonging, love, and identity are based on us doing something right but that's the opposite of the gospel. Your brokenness doesn’t deter God. You weren’t what was holding you and God together in the first place.
However many of us hear this and go to another damaging extreme. We lean to pride and act like we don’t need a savior. It's a way of masking our brokenness protecting ourselves from the rejection we think honesty would cause. This reaction is birthed from the same place of misunderstanding God's character. This is what we see at the Tower of Babel. They built an identity of pride fueled by the fear that God would abandon them. They didn't believe God was actually good so they decided that they would work to convince themselves that they weren’t as helpless as they really were. Many of us don't actually trust God to handle our brokenness as He said He would so we decide to act like we don't need saving.
Some of us are too prideful to simply say “I'm sorry.” We’re hiding behind a lie that says we're above fault. And I'm here to let you know that admitting you are faulty isn't as dangerous as you may think it is. You are broken, but God still says nothing will separate you from His love.
As I counsel, I've recognized that mothers typically have a hard time apologizing to their children because they subconsciously believe admitting their faults against their children will prove true their fear that they’re a bad mother. This is what I want to remind you. Nothing you did or didn't do earns your identity of being “good.” Though broken, you are perfect in Christ. That’s the paradox of Christianity. You can admit your faults because faults aren't tied to your identity. You are safe. You are loved. You are chosen. When you are reminded of God’s identity, it clarifies yours. If God loves you regardless of your faults, you don't have to hide them from Him.
Some of the biggest hindrances to adequately apologizing are pride and fear. Both of these are birthed from a misunderstanding of the character of God. I believe David was able to apologize because he knew his identity in Christ. And He had a blessed assurance of his identity because he knew God’s identity. David was able to admit and move forward because He was aware of his true condition. His brokenness couldn’t break his call. God wanted him regardless. Nathan even says that David was forgiven before he apologized. So David was able to be honest enough to move forward.
And while David recognized that his works didn't earn his acceptance, he was also honest about the fact that if God could be trusted to love him through his brokenness, maybe He could also be trusted to walk him through healing. Many of us are missing out on the exceeding and abundantly God wants to pour out into our lives because we don't trust Him enough to lead us out of our sinful ways. Your sin doesn’t just hurt God, it hurts you. And God wants you to have true freedom. It’s ok to repent. It’s for your good.
Maybe we're having trouble apologizing and repenting because we don’t know it's safe to do so. But when you truly consider the character of God and what He says about you, it disparages the fear of being thrown away or rejected. You are loved in your brokenness. Why would your brokenness deter the person who chose you while you were in it? If God is truly God, you are truly safe. If God is who he says He is, what does that say about you?
As I’m closing I want to remind you of a statement in David’s psalm of repentance.
“Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.”
Psalms 51:12-13 NLT
David’s plea for forgiveness pushed him to forgive others. God’s love led David to repentance and prompted him to love others and he trusted that that love would lead them to the same thing. God’s love leads us to repentance and God wants us to love others in the same way. Loving those who hurt you like God does when you hurt Him may be the key to the apology you’re looking for. You have to take responsibility. This is a call for some of you to forgive because you’ve been forgiven. This is a call for others to be honest about their condition and accept God’s forgiveness. Wherever you are, it may be a journey of faith, but I promise it is worth it.
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