Y’all Should Break Up
Read Time: 11 mins
So Abraham got up early the next morning, prepared food and a container of water, and strapped them on Hagar’s shoulders. Then he sent her away with their son, and she wandered aimlessly in the wilderness of Beersheba.
Genesis 21:14 NLT
In order to grow, you have to learn how to let go. Not everything God uses in your life is meant to be permanent. Elijah knew this well. While on the run from an evil king, God sent him to a hidden brook. God would protect and provide for him at this brook. At this brook, the ravens brought him food. At this brook, God did the miraculous, but at some point, this brook would dry up and God would tell Elijah to move. What God used in one season would not go with him into the next.
We must learn this not just with positions, provisions, and protections. We must also learn this when it comes to people. Every relationship may not be meant to be permanent. If you've watched a space shuttle launch, you'll notice that some rocket boosters are designed to take the journey with the shuttle to a new level and fall off after they do their job. They are designed to help it get to one altitude and sustain it in another but they are dead weight if brought into the next. This is how some relationships will be. God may call you to a relationship to benefit you in one season and prepare you for the next but most relationships will not be ones that last a lifetime. This realization means that we must learn how to break up.
I'm very pro-breakup. It's one of my favorite topics. It may be uncomfortable but I have one question. If nothing were to change about the person you're dating from who they are today, would you still want to marry them? Do you even want to marry them now? Or are you hoping and begging that they would change? Dating is a try out for a successful marriage and you should not add anyone to the team out of pity. You are worth more than that and the stakes are higher than that. Do you respect their integrity, work ethic, responsibility, or relationship with God? Don't date the potential. Date the person. If you cannot see yourself marrying them, consider not wasting your time or theirs. You can always come back if they grow into themselves later but don't hold yourself back on a gamble. A great teammate can bring much success but a bad one can tear down all the work you've fought so hard for. Don't team up with just anyone. A successful breakup may be what you need to walk freely into the abundance God has called you into.
You may think the phrase “successful breakup” is an oxymoron. When we think of romantic breakups, whether that be long-term dating or a spontaneous situationship, we often get a negative feeling. However, breakups don't have to be synonymous with trauma, drama, and hurt feelings. When done well, they can be of benefit to both parties. We see this in Abramam's story. Abraham had made a mistake and now it was time to respond to it. God allowed something in one season that would become a burden in the next.
God had promised Abraham that he would be the father of many nations but due to his age, the promise was hard to believe. Abraham and his wife Sarah decided to circumvent what God had called them to and help Him out a little in accomplishing His promise. Sarah had the bright idea to tell Abraham to sleep with her servant and Abraham wasn’t against the idea of a hall pass either. Logic alone would tell you that this likely wouldn't end well.
Almost immediately, this blended family is causing friction. As soon as Hagar realizes she is pregnant, she begins to fight Sarah and Sarah turns on Abraham as a result. Sarah and Hagar have a cantankerous relationship, Sarah and Abraham have a strained relationship, and their sons Issac and Ishmael grow up to have conflict too. Underlining jealousy, insecurity, and power dynamics are leading to a relationship of irreconcilable differences and it is time for this family to adjust.
We may have been in similar situations. Our mistakes or missteps have rippled into the fabric of our life and it’s time to pivot. We may have thought there was potential to date but quickly recognize that the foundational needs for a healthy marriage aren't and won't be present. We didn't think it would get this far but what made sense in the moment is quickly turning for the worst. We may have thought relationships were of God in the past but now we recognize that separation needs to take place. How do we break up? How do we break off the relationships from which we need to make pivots?
Romantic relationships like the ones we see in this story are some of the hardest to break off. Abraham’s relationship with his side chick and son is delicate and unique, but their separation gives us some insight into how we can move forward from the relationships we should not move forward with. Abraham does a few wise things in his breakup. He is quick, kind, clear, and clean.
Be Quick
The first thing I believe we need to learn in our breakups is how to deliberate in our timing. Abraham is quick. By quick, I don’t mean he is rushed or hasty. Nothing rushed or forced is ever quality. He is tactful in his timing. Abraham doesn’t rush but he also doesn’t drag his feet. The Bible says that when Abraham made up his mind to break off this relationship, he got up early in the morning. He didn’t wait for a few more months or years. When you know you aren't meant to be with someone long term, don’t keep them in a relational purgatory long term. You typically know if you share foundational unity early on. Especially for men, It doesn't take long for you to really know if your relationship has true potential. If it doesn't have realistic potential, you have to learn how to quickly end the relationship and let them go. It's not fair to either party to stay in a dead-end relationship longer than you need to. The quicker you get out, the better. Abraham didn’t drag Hagar along or lead her on. He didn't wait years to decide what he was going to do. He was decisive and clear in his decision. In our relationships, we must be intentional about respecting ourselves and our partners enough to not waste our time or their time by staying in a broken relationship longer than we need to. Your timing can be the difference between a smooth departure and a war between parties.
Be Kind
The next thing we see is that Abraham is kind in his breakup. It doesn’t make sense to create unnecessary tension or drama in a breakup. You liked them before and you can act like it now. Abraham doesn’t just act quickly, he is kind by packing Hagar a lunch. He was kind enough to prepare for Hagar's journey. Sympathize with the person you’re breaking up with. The Bible says to season your words with kindness. What affirmation or reassurance could you offer that would be like providing lunch for them before a journey? How can you be kind? Don't create beef if there isn't any and consider using boundary blessed kindness to cushion any tension there may be. What act of courtesy could you extend to show your respect and affirmation of the humanity of the person you’re leaving?
While kindness is important, anything out of balance is still negative. Abraham is kind but he is still clear and clean in his break. Many of us lean towards the extreme of one of these positions. Some of us are kind but not clean in our break while others are clean in the break and not kind. Some of us lean in the direction of kindness and stumble into a position of never actually breaking up. Being kind doesn’t mean you have no boundaries. Abraham is kind but is still clear in his boundaries and clean in his cut. That's the next thing we see in this relationship that we can learn from Abraham.
Be clean.
Being kind doesn’t mean the relationship doesn’t change moving forward. It doesn't mean there won't be changes in communication, access, or boundaries. You may need to have a strong no-communication agreement. You may not be able to “be friends” immediately after. You may need to actually separate.
This is especially important if you are sexually active in the relationship. Abraham and Sarah never actually called Hagar by name in the story. She was always seen as less than. This could indicate a fertile ground for fights. But I want you to recognize that regardless of the underlying feelings and power dynamics Sarah and Hagar may have had, fights only emerged when the door of sex was opened. When I counsel, I can tell that people were sexually active in their relationships based on how many feelings and hardships are attached to the idea of the break up that both parties indicate as a logical conclusion. This is why I strongly urge couples who want a clear and effective dating experience (which should be a risk-less trial run for a potential marriage) to avoid sex. You can research the statistics about how couples who live together before marriage are actually more likely to get divorced.
When sex or other binding activities like joint bills or bank accounts are added to a relationship, it's hard to see it for what it is. It’s significantly harder to separate amicably and react decisively. This is because sex was designed to be a steroid for relational intimacy. It was designed to be a rocket boost pushing a couple in only one direction and that direction is “closer.” You don't want to employ that rocket unless you're safe to do so because the power can be detrimental when not contained. It works wonders when you are safe, positioned, and prepared to be brought into the intimacy that it is meant to bring you to. But when uncontained it can open doors of intimacy and create relational baggage that makes separating from toxic people so much harder. You may think I'm exaggerating but be honest with me. I want you to look at your life and the lives of your friends and tell me about break ups with those who had crossed sexual lines and break ups with those who haven't. I'd bet that they almost always have severely different conflict and complication levels. That's because you were never supposed to separate once you were involved in sexual intimacy.
Breaking up after that door has been opened is definitely possible. Hope isn't lost. You are not condemned and damned. Following these break-up principles will actually help you rebound and restore. But it is like swimming against a God designed current. Celibacy may give you a greater sense of clarity in your relationships moving forward.
Once a door of sexuality is opened in a relationship, it is also much easier to cross that boundary line again. This is why clear and clean boundaries are more important than you may realize. After you have crossed some lines of intimacy, it doesn't matter if you break up, block them, tell your friends not to let you talk to them, fight, and separate for months, If you do not continue to hold the same boundaries, you can very quickly get right back to where you were because the door has already been opened. That's just how it works. His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley shares principles that are applicable to this if you are struggling.
Sex and other binding factors aren't the only things that make it hard for us to have decisive breakups. I want to touch on the issue that is often what leads us to join ourselves to people below our standards in the first place. When we feel that our identity or safety is wrapped up in someone else and their desire for us, we find it hard to do anything that may momentarily disappoint that person even if it protects us. When we are addicted to affirmation or intimacy from other humans, we lower our standards and begin to accept subpar treatment. Some of us don't even know what's possible because we've settled for mediocre companionship for so long. Being confident and comfortable enough for a season of true singleness will give you the space to have a higher standard for your relationship. I truly believe that the most dangerous people are people who know who they are. When you know who you are, you don't only recognize that you don't need someone to complete you, you recognize what standard of person would be needed to compliment you.
When you recognize who you are, what you have, and what you’re called to, you realize that your standards in relationships can change. While some of our “standards” are stupid to be blunt, it’s ok to have realistic standards in a relationship. The person you’re with should want to love you in your love language. They should be able to realistically compromise. They should respect your faith and ideally share it. It's okay to desire someone who puts in similar work to you in important areas. It’s ok to want someone who desires to spend time with you, listen to you, or love you as they would want to be loved.
Sis, I want to let you know that while you should have realistic patience and understanding, don't forget that if he wanted to he would. I see too many people in relationships with people who honestly don't like them. They aren't trying for them. They're using them. You don’t need to subject yourself to being with someone who doesn’t actually like you enough to adjust.
It’s ok to break up. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be safe. Jesus, Daniel Paul, and so many others were single and fine. You will be too. Don't settle for mediocrity in the name of loneliness. Maybe facing a season of true singleness will open the door to a relationship of purpose and not circumstance. A prayerful time if true intentionality could do wonders. You have to break up with your lackluster boyfriend in order to create the space for the husband who will unconditionally love and pour himself out for you as Christ did for the church. You have to stop wasting time, energy, and money with a gaggle of Godless and goalless girls in order to make space for the woman who will elevate your life and bring the favor of God to whatever you touch.
Be Clear
At the core, none of this will work for you if you don't know who you are. If you don't have confidence in your call, you'll settle for anyone. I believe in dating. I believe in getting to know a wide array of people. I believe in learning what you like and what you may need. I believe in prayerful pursuit. But I believe in doing it tactfully and safely. You didn't see Adam trying his luck with birds and dogs before finding Eve because he knew his standards. Do you know yours? It's ok to have standards for the person you want to join your life with when you have standards for yourself. If you care about fitness, it's ok to desire someone else who cares about fitness. If you care about education, it's ok to desire someone who also cares about education. If you care about church, you don't need to be expecting to drag no man to church who doesn't wanna be there. Raise your standards.
I hope I'm clear about this. Realistic standards come from a realistic view of self. You know what you can get when you know who you are. Many of us are settling for trash because we view ourselves as trash. Find your identity and confidence in Christ and I guarantee it will change everything. It will change your confidence and make you more attractive. It will put you in better social circles and up your chances of finding or being found by someone of standard. If you recognize who you are called to be you'll start to care about your health and appearance and maybe find it easier to attract the attention of others who care about their health and appearance too. If you care about who God has called you to be, you'll develop into the type of man a woman would feel safe enough to proudly support. If you are diligent and humble and focused and Spirit-filled you will attract the attention of others like you. If you are open, honest, wise, and emotionally intelligent, others who value that will feel safe with you. Are you catching what I'm putting down? At the core of all of this is your identity and I believe you can find it if you center your life in Christ.
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